many emanations | journal entry

My life has been a series of serendipitous, mostly unfortunate events, each one marking me and dictating the future. I'm not looking for sympathy or for you to say something like, "Oh gosh! I'm so sorry!" In truth, I wish people wouldn't say anything at all. And yet I am compelled to tell my stories.

Admittedly, there's probably some self indulgence hiding in my muddled motivations. But I wouldn't be writing this if it weren't for Her.

She has come to me in many emanations, taking whatever form or face She knew I wouldn't run from. Looking over my life, I even see Her way back in the past, sometimes coming to me as Jesus to just a foreign, insistent voice telling me not to give up. I believe She likely does this for many of us -- even, and especially, those who wouldn't dare call themselves "spiritual" at all, whether because of fear or skepticism. It is often those with no expectations or preconceived ideas who have the clearest visions of Her.

My life isn't bad right now by any means. But all of the good things are things that I've fought for, bled for. Even my relationship with Her. There are, too, many a battle that I have lost, and come out having more bullet holes than bandaids to cover. She urges me not to bypass this, not to get caught in the "but everything happens for a Reason!" mentality. Everything ultimately does happen for a reason, and the reason usually boils down to a choice made by ourselves or someone else.

I got a good grade on my exam not because some divine power wanted me to succeed and gave me the answers, but because I studied until it felt like my brain would fall out. I was abused not because some disembodied karmic force thought I deserved it; I was abused because someone decided to abuse me. Maybe it wasn't a decision they made, but rather a state they defaulted to without second thought.